Folk Song Parodies
by BaronCat40
Summary: A collection of folk songs parodied to fit in the Lord of the Rings universe. Will include both "old-time" songs and folk songs of protest, as well as anything else I come up with.
1. The Ring that Never Returned

**The Right That Never Returned (The Ship that Never Returned, Henry Clay Work)**

 **This tune is also used for "M.T.A" and "The Wreck of The Old 97"**

 **This will be a list of folk songs parodied to fit in the Lord of the Rings Universe. I am very liberal on what constitutes a folk song and will include both "old-time" songs (like this one) and songs from the folk song revival, as well as songs making fun of those songs (such as Tom Lehrer's "Folk Song Army"). This will be somewhat light on songs from the Civil War period (especially those about the war), as many have already been done in a seperate compilation.  
**

On a summer's day when the stones were rustled by the harshest, hottest breeze

Did a ring not fight for the dawn of orc-dom while the mouth of Mount Doom wheezed?

There were cries of battle; there were clashing weapons while its form was yet discerned

Though they knew it not, 'twas a solemn parting for the ring, it never returned

.

Did it ever return?

No, it never returned

Its fate is yet unlearned

Though for years and years

There were Nazgûl watching

For the ring that never returned

.

Said the Nazgûl nine to the anxious Sauron, "We must cross the Black Gate tall,

For they say, perchance in a foreign climate that the ring was heard to fall."

'Twas a gleam of hope in a maze of danger and his heart for power yearned,

So he sent them forth with a curse and a snarl for the ring that never returned

.

Did it ever return?

No, it never returned

Its fate is yet unlearned

Though for years and years

There were Nazgûl watching

For the ring that never returned

.

"Only one more trip", said the king of Gondor as he kissed his weeping wife;

Only one fight 'gainst the orcs of Mordor and 'twill last us all through life.

Then I'll spend my days in my cozy throne room and enjoy the rest I've earned.

But alas! poor man! For he rode to battle with the ring and never returned.

.

Did it ever return?

No, it never returned

Its fate is yet unlearned

Though for years and years

There were Nazgûl watching

For the ring that never returned

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **A note on suggestions: I will accept songs of any nationality, though I am unlikely to do songs with no readily available and MUSICAL* English version. I will still try, especially if it has a good tune. If in doubt, suggest it.**

 *** A musical translation is considered to be a translation that, at the least, meets the syllable count and fits the meter of the original. Following the rhyme scheme (if applicable) is optional, but preferred.**


	2. The Hills Near Fangorn Forest

**Thanks to UnnamedElement and PheonixFeather10 for reviewing!**

 **Hills near Fangorn Forest (Hills of Connemara/Mountain Tay)**

 **This song has two versions, both about the pursuit of the Uruk-Hai by Gimli, Aragorn, Legolas, and the Rohirrim. The only difference is the point of view.**

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli  
.

Mountain breezes as they blow  
Hear their echo in the glen below  
The Uruk-Hai are on the go  
In the hills near Fangorn Forest

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli

.

Keep your eyes well peeled today  
The Uruk-Hai are on their way  
Met a black-robed Nazgûl gay  
In the hills near Fangorn Forest  
.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli

.  
A gallon for the wood-elf and for Aragong(1)  
And a bottle for Gimi's beard so long  
To help his huffs and his puffs along  
In the hills of near Fangorn Forest

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli

.  
Stand your ground, for it's too late  
The Uruk-Hai have meet their fate.  
Glory be to Gandalf, but the slaughter is great

In the hills of Connemara

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli

.

Swing to the left and swing to the right  
The Rohirrim will dance all night  
Killing all the orcs 'till the broad daylight  
In the hills near Fangorn Forest

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the lembas and the bran.  
Run like the devil from ol' Saruman  
Keep the smoke from rising, Gimli

.

 **(1): deliberate mispronunciation of Aragorn (the original song's entire rhyme scheme is based to 'tea' being pronounced 'tay'). All liquid measurements here refer to water.**

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh(1)  
.

Mountain breezes as they blow  
Hear their echo in the glen below  
The Rohan men are on the go  
In the hills near Fangorn Forest

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh

.  
Keep your nose well peeled today  
The Rohan men are on their way  
Met a black-robed Nazgûl gay  
In the hills near Fangorn Forest

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh

A gallon for the hobbits and a quart for Tom(2)

A bottle for Grishnakh's army long  
To help their grunts and groans along  
In the hills of near Fangorn Forest

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh

.  
Stand your ground, for it's too late  
The Rohan men are at the gate.  
Glory be to Sauron, but the slaughter is great(3)

In the hills near Fangorn forest

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh

.

Swing to the left and swing to the right  
The Rohan men will dance all night  
Chasin' down the orcs till the broad daylight  
In the hills near Fangorn Forest

.

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh

Gather up the pots and the old tin can  
The rope, the swords, the hobbits and the bran.  
Run like the devil from the Rohan men  
Keep the smoke from rising, Grishnakh

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): I believe the 'h' is silent, making the word two syllables (Grish-Nak)**

 **(2): all measurements refer to orc-drought. Tom might be a generic orc name, or they might be offering sacrifices to Tom the Petrified Troll. Make up whatever you want**

 **(3): Great is in large amount, not good**


	3. I Don't Want a Samwise Gamgee

**I don't want a Samwise Gamgee (I Don't Want a Bunny Wunny)**

Frodo the hobbit got into his boat  
Wasn't in a hurry, wanted to float  
Think about the One Ring  
Think about sin  
Along swum a Samwise  
And he tried to climb in

.  
And what did Frodo say -  
I don't want a Samwise Gamgee  
In my widdle wow boat  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond  
For the Samwise might be heavy  
And he'll make the boat not float  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond

.  
I don't want a Samwise Gamgee  
In my widdle wow boat  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond  
For the Samwise might be heavy  
And he'll make the boat not float  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond

.  
Look at him swimming  
Look at him drown

Robe puffed out like a wet ballroom gown  
Gurgling through his front teeth  
emitting piercing squeals  
If you were the ring-bearer

How would you feel?

.  
You'd probably say  
I don't want a Samwise Gamgee  
In my widdle wow boat  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond  
For the Samwise might be heavy  
And he'll make the boat not float  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond

.  
Frodo the hobbit saved the day  
Reached with the paddle  
Samwise climbed away  
Frodo was a hero  
Felt it in his bones  
Said in the words of John Paul Jones  
(Said in the words of John Paul Jones)

.  
I don't want a Samwise Gamgee  
In my widdle wow boat  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond  
For the Samwise might be heavy  
And he'll make the boat not float  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond

.  
I don't want a Samwise Gamgee  
In my widdle wow boat  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond  
For the Samwise might be heavy  
And he'll make the boat not float  
In my widdle wow boat in the pond

In my widdle wow boat in the pond

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


	4. The Wizard called Gandalf the White

**Thanks to nobody for reviewing! Please review.**

 **Wizard called Gandalf the White (Bonnets of Bonnie Dundee)**

To the orcs in the city t'was Faramir spoke  
Ere the orcs shoot us down, there'll be fell beasts and smoke;  
So each cavalier who loves Gondor and right,  
Let him follow the wizard called Gandalf the White.

.

Come fight with the orcs and retreat while we can,  
Come saddle my horses and call out my men,  
Run out of the city, away from the fight  
For it's up with the wizard called Gandalf the White

.

The wizard is mounted, he rides up the street,  
The bells they ring backwards, the drums they are beat,  
But the Steward of Gondor says "Just let 'im be,  
For the town is well rid of that devil Gandalf

.

Come fight with the orcs and retreat while we can,  
Come saddle my horses and call out my men,  
Run out of the city, away from the fight  
For it's up with the wizard called Gandalf the White

.

There are hills beyond Angmar and ruled by the beasts,  
Be there kings in the west, there are orcs in the east!  
There are brave Gondor soldiers, who charge in the night  
Ride high for the wizard called Gandalf the White

.

Come fight with the orcs and retreat while we can,  
Come saddle my horses and call out my men,  
Run out of the city, away from the fight  
For it's up with the wizard called Gandalf the White

.

Then away to the hills, to the trees, to the rocks,  
E'er I am a good soldier, I'll crouch with the fox!  
Then tremble, false kings(1), in the midst o' your glee,  
Ye have not seen the last o' the wizard and me.

.

Come fight with the orcs and retreat while we can,  
Come saddle my horses and call out my men,  
Run out of the city, away from the fight  
For it's up with the wizard called Gandalf the White

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): Referring to the Nazgûl**


	5. Lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

**Lake by the Lonely Mountain-o (Braes O'Killicrankie)**

Where hae ya' been grass so fine, me lad?

Where hae ya' been lookin' swanky-o?

Where hae ya' been with me cares, me lad?

Come me by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

Ay, if you'd've been where I have been,

Ya wouldn't be so cheery-o.

And if you'd've seen what I have seen,

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

I fought at land and I fought at sea

when warning bells were clanging-o.

But from the dragon many flee

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

Ay, if you'd've been where I have been,

Ya wouldn't be so cheery-o.

And if you'd've seen what I have seen,

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

The archer Bard led the soldier bands

To the sound of the fires and the screaming-o

But many troops, they turned and ran

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

Ay, if you'd've been where I have been,

Ya wouldn't be so cheery-o.

And if you'd've seen what I have seen,

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

The dragon Smaug fell on the town

Felled by the Bard's black arry-o

Beneath the water he did drown

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

Ay, if you'd've been where I have been,

Ya wouldn't be so cheery-o.

And if you'd've seen what I have seen,

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

.

Ay, if you'd've been where I have been,

Ya wouldn't be so cheery-o.

And if you'd've seen what I have seen,

On the lake by the Lonely Mountain-o

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


	6. Oh Wise Gandalf (Oh Susanna)

**Please review. Reviews make me happy, and when I'm happy, I write better parodies.**

 **O Wise Gandalf (Oh Susanna)**

Well I come from out the Shire

With no walking stick or hat,

And I've goin' to t'Lonely Mountain,

The rocks there for to pat,

It rained all night the day I left,

The weather it was dry,

The sun so hot I froze to death;

Oh, Gandalf, don't you cry.

.

Oh! Wise Gandalf, don't you cry for me,

For I come from out the Shire with my sword strapped to my knee.

.

I jumped aboard the barrel raft

And travelled down the river

The water nearly drowned me there,

And killed my hundred chiggers

The water crashed, the rocks, they smashed,

I really thought I'd die;

So I shut my eyes and hold my breath,

Oh, Gandalf, don't you cry.

.

Oh! Wise Gandalf, don't you cry for me,

For I come from out the Shire with my sword strapped to my knee.

.

Now I had a dream de odder night

When every ting was still;

I thought I saw Susanna,

She was coming down de hill.

Now a shire pipe was in his mouth,

The tear was in his eye,

So I said I'm coming from the south(1),

Oh, Gandalf, don't you cry.

.

Oh! Wise Gandalf, don't you cry for me,

For I come from out the Shire with my sword strapped to my knee.

.

Now I soon will be in Erebor,

And then I'll look all round,

When at last I find old Gandalf,

I will fall upon the ground.

But if I can never find him then

I think I'll surely die,

When I'm dead and gone and buried there

Oh Gandalf, don't you cry.

.

Oh! Wise Gandalf, don't you cry for me,

For I come from out the Shire with my sword strapped to my knee.

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): coming from Lake Town, which is south of Erebor.**


	7. I'm a wizard, I'm a wand-elf

**Thanks to UnnamedElement for reviewing!**

 **I'm a Wizard, I'm a Wand-Elf (The Moonshiner/ I'm a Rambler, I'm a Gambler)**

 **This is told from Gandalf's point of view.**

I'm a wizard, I'm a wand-elf, I'm a long ways from home  
And if you don't like me then leave me alone  
I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry  
And if pipeweed don't kill me, I'll live 'till I die.

.  
I've been a grey wizard for many a year  
spent all me money on pipeweed and ale  
I'll go to some hollow and take out my pipe  
And I'll smoke all the day 'till the White Wizard gripes

I'm a wizard, I'm a wand-elf, I'm a long ways from home  
And if you don't like me then leave me alone  
I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry  
And if pipeweed don't kill me, I'll live 'till I die.

.  
I'll go to some hollow in this countery(1)  
Ten gallons of ale I can go on a spree  
Just Sauron to guard for, with all his dark greed  
I can love none so well as I love my pipeweed

I'm a wizard, I'm a wand-elf, I'm a long ways from home  
And if you don't like me then leave me alone  
I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry  
And if pipeweed don't kill me, I'll live 'till I die.

.

It's pipeweed for Baggins and pipeweed for Took(2)

Pipeweed for the Ents, they'll fight all the day

It's pipeweed for breakfast and pipeweed for tea

It's pipeweed, me hearties, it's pipeweed for me  
.

I'm a wizard, I'm a wand-elf, I'm a long ways from home  
And if you don't like me then leave me alone  
I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry  
And if pipeweed don't kill me, I'll live 'till I die.

.  
Well, pipeweed, dear pipeweed, oh, how I love thee  
The White Wizard hates me, but ah he try me  
Now bless all the Shire and bless all its folk  
Their breath smells as sweet as the dew on the vine

I'm a wizard, I'm a wand-elf, I'm a long ways from home  
And if you don't like me then leave me alone  
I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry  
And if pipeweed don't kill me, I'll live 'till I die.

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): count-er-ie**

 **(2) 1** **st** **, 3** **rd** **, and 4** **th** **lines have 'pipeweed' as stressed, unstressed (PIPEweed). 2** **nd** **line has it as unstressed, stressed(pipeWEED)**


	8. The Uruk Ballad

**The Uruk Ballad (The Irish Ballad)**

 **This is a song by Tom Lehrer used to make fun of the repetitive and absurd nature of many folk songs.**

 **This is about Saruman.**

About a man I'll sing a song,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin,

About a man I'll sing a song,

Who didn't have his army long

Not only did he do them wrong,

He did ev'ryone of them in, them in,

He did ev'ryone of them in.

.

One morning in a fit of pique,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin,

One morning in a fit of pique,

He sent them off to cross a creek.

The water tasted bad for a week,

And we had to make do with gin, with gin,

We had to make do with gin.

.

Poor Rohan he could never stand,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin,

Poor Rohan he could never stand,

And so an army raid he planned.

The Uruk-Hai died with much blood on their hands,

And their faces in hideous grins, in grins,

Their faces in hideous grin.

.

He set the great East Fold on fire,

sing-Rickety-tickety-tin,

He set the great East Fold on fire,

And as the smoke and flame rose higher,

Threw the orcs in a funeral pyre

Playin' a violin, -olin,

Playin' a violin.

.

He made the great wall into flying stones,

a-Rickety-tickety-tin,

He made the great wall into flying stones

And with them smashed his army's bones.

All they ever found were some bones,

And occasional pieces of skin, of skin,

Occasional pieces of skin.

.

One day when he had nothing to do,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin,

One day when he had nothing to do,

He watched the Ents flood all his flues(1).

And make his land into Irish stew,

And invite all their neighbors in, -bors in,

Invite all thier neighbors in.

.

And when at last Gandalf came by,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin,

And when at last Gandalf came by,

His little pranks he did not deny.

To do so he would have had to lie,

And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,

Lying, she knew, was a sin.

.

My tragic tale I won't prolong,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin,

My tragic tale I won't prolong,

And if you do not enjoy my song,

You've yourselves to blame if it's too long,

You should never have let me begin, begin,

You should never have let me begin. (2)

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): used to mean a chimney.**

 **(2): This entire verse is the original.**


	9. Whacking and Smacking

**Whacking and Smacking (Rambling and Roving)**

 **This is about Gandalf's famous alternative ways of interpreting expressions. The original song did not require much modifications (I mainly just changed names) so I added an extra verse.**

I'm whacking and smacking from village to town  
In every country I'm rambling around  
The sky is me roof and the grass is me floor  
But don't be surprised if I knock on your door

And a-rovin' I'll go;  
up wi' your glasses and rosin your bow.  
And a rovin' I'll go;  
never give up when you're feeling low.

.

Outside of Bag End owned by Baggins (that bore),

A hobbit did say "A good morning, I'm sure"

Says I, "Do you mean that the morning is good?

Here are the ways it can be understood:"  
.

And a-rovin' I'll go;  
up wi' your glasses and rosin your bow.  
And a rovin' I'll go;  
never give up when you're feeling low.

.  
In a house in the Shire the landlady said,  
"You can stay for the night if you make your own bed"  
"No trouble", says I, "sure I've done that before.  
Will you put the hammer and nails on the floor?"

And a-rovin' I'll go;  
up wi' your glasses and rosin your bow.  
And a rovin' I'll go;  
never give up when you're feeling low.

In Gondor I walked in a throne room quite fine.  
Says I, "would you give me a bottle of wine"  
"What year would you like", the Steward did say  
"Ah" says I, "my good man I would like it today"

And a-rovin' I'll go;  
up wi' your glasses and rosin your bow.  
And a rovin' I'll go;  
never give up when you're feeling low.

It's time to be going; it's time to be gone  
The One Ring and Evil keep me fighting on  
But here's to your friendship and fire side bright  
And here's to the hobbits we drink with tonight

And a-rovin' I'll go;  
up wi' your glasses and rosin your bow.  
And a rovin' I'll go;  
never give up when you're feeling low.

And a-rovin' I'll go;  
up wi' your glasses and rosin your bow.  
And a rovin' I'll go;  
never give up when you're feeling low.

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


	10. Black is the Blood

**Come on, people. Review!**

 **Black is the Blood (Red is the Rose)**

 **I apologize for waiting so long between updates. I've been having a conflict with my orchestra teacher that is leaving me unable to write comedy. I am probably going ot take a break from this for a few months. I will return in the summer.**

 **This gets a lot more amusing if you imagine an orc singing it.**

Come over the hills, my bonnie Orcish lass  
Come over the hills to your darlin'  
You'll choose the rose, love, and I'll make the vow  
And I'll be your true love forever

Black is the blood that in your garden flows  
And stained is the lily of the valley  
Red is the water that flows from the Boyne  
And my love was fairer than any

'twas down by the Shire's great woods that we strayed  
The moon and the stars, they were shining  
The moon shone its rays on her locks of worm-like hair  
And she swore she'd be my love forever

Black is the blood that in your garden flows  
And stained is the lily of the valley  
Red is the water that flows from the Boyne  
And my love was fairer than any

It's not for the battle that my sister pains  
It's not for the grief of my mother  
It's all for the love of my murdered Orchish lass  
That my heart is breaking forever

Black is the blood that in your garden flows  
And stained is the lily of the valley  
Red is the water that flows from the Boyne  
And my love was fairer than any  
My love was fairer than any

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


	11. Bloody Rotten Burgeler

**Bloody Rotten Burgeler (Bloody Rotten Audience)**

Well here's a song I've written specifically for you

Who sit out in me golden hoard and hide through all I do

I cannot understand it because everything I see

So there must be something wrong with you; there's nothing wrong with me

You're a bloody rotten burgeler(1) whilst I am very good

If brains were made of oak and ash then you'd have balsa wood

I'm dragonly and mighty and I'm really full of class

While you're ignorant, you're cultureless, you're philistines en mass

I'm a dragon and authority on treasure and what's more

I'm incredibly informative on dwarf taste and dwarflore

I'm a wonderful gold hoarder, and so you all must be

So bloody thick and stupid not to like the likes of me

You're a bloody rotten burgeler whilst I am very good

If brains were made of oak and ash then you'd have balsa wood

I'm dragonly and mighty and I'm really full of class

While you're ignorant, you're cultureless, you're philistines en mass

I'm a dragon and that's obvious; you can tell it by me clothes

And when I burn traditional, I burn it through me nose

And if you persist in talking every time I sing a song(2)

I'll fix you with "Bold Robin Hood"; that's eighty verses long

You're a bloody rotten burgeler whilst I am very good

If brains were made of oak and ash then you'd have balsa wood

I'm dragonly and mighty and I'm really full of class

While you're ignorant, you're cultureless, you're philistines en mass

And when I burn contempor'y, me heart and soul is pure

I must be bloody brilliant 'cause me writing's so obscure

My hero's Ancalagon(3), I dig him perfectly

But I must be so much better because no one here digs me

You're a bloody rotten burgeler whilst I am very good

If brains were made of oak and ash then you'd have balsa wood

I'm dragonly and mighty and I'm really full of class

While you're ignorant, you're cultureless, you're philistines en mass

But now I'm going to burn you, 'cause I feel I'm wasting time

Could possibly we wasting yours, so you must be wasting mine

And let me tell you now that I'm not up here for me health

So if you don't show yourself to me, I'll burn this whole big house

You're a bloody rotten burgeler whilst I am very good

If brains were made of oak and ash then you'd have balsa wood

I'm dragonly and mighty and I'm really full of class

But underneath it all I'm just a pain in the flipping ass

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): this is pronounced burg-e-ler (the three syllable pronunciation of 'burlar')**

 **(2): For the purposes of this song, Smaug considers singing to mean spraying fire with pitch and rhytem**

 **(3): I'm not sure how this is supposed to be pronounced. I'm guessing it's pronounced like this (caps indicates stressed syllable): Ang-ka-LA-gon**


	12. The Perfect Orc

**The Perfect Orc (The perfect bomb)**

Some friends and I have worked for years in deepest secrecy

The work went on around the clock in our laboratory

We've built the perfect weapon, we're unveiling it today

It rips the good to pieces, but the evil walks away

.

The orc, the orc, we finally built the perfect orc

It's impossible to stop, it can hardly wait to chop

To bits, to bits, to chop free races into bits

I'll tell you what I'm counting on, the orc, the orc

.

The orc can see for miles and kill everything with souls

And every sodding free-race will become a stupid troll

Their swords all turn to licorice, their knives all break in two

Their faces turn to flowers, colored red and black and blue

.

Oh, the orc, the orc, we finally built the perfect orc

It's impossible to stop, it can hardly wait to chop

To bits, to bits, to chop free races into bits

I'll tell you what I'm counting on, the orc, the orc

.

The wonders of our perfect orc are very strange to tell

It doesn't only change the swords, it changes hearts as well

An instant of exposure to its penetrating gaze

Will put a sodding free-race into a sodding daze

.

The orc, the orc, we finally built the perfect orc

It's impossible to stop, it can hardly wait to chop

To bits, to bits, to chop free races into bits

I'll tell you what I'm counting on, the orc, the orc

.

But perhaps its greatest feature, its happiest surprise

Is the way our perfect weapon searches out the meanest lies

It captures them completely, and before the orc is through

Every word a might Uruk says is never, ever, true

.

The orc, the orc, we finally built the perfect orc

It's impossible to stop, it can hardly wait to chop

To bits, to bits, to chop free races into bits

I'll tell you what I'm counting on, the orc, the orc

I'll tell you what I'm counting on, the orc, the oc.

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


	13. If Witch-King were Gandalf

**If Witch-King were Gandalf (If Wishes Were Fishes)**

 **Note: this song assumes an alternate history where Gandalf ruled the Nazgul instead of Witch-King. It's about an ageing Nazgul fondly remembering his younger days and wishing he were there again.**

I wish he were here again, at beating us up again

It's been a long time since his staff swung at me

But I'm wasting my precious days wishing my life away(1)

If Witch-King were Gandalf, we'd all be drowned in the sea

.

And I wish I was young again, my head still full of bumps again

The old tunes of my life have gone sweet and on key(2)

Singing my tired old rhymes; trying to turn back time

If Witch-King were Gandalf, we'd all be drowned in the sea

.

If Witch-King were Gandalf, I know where I'd be

Gasping for breath in the dark rolling sea

And if my net's empty when it comes back to shore

If Witch-King were Gandalf, we'd all be drowned in the sea

.

I wish I could hate again, walk through the gate again

Spill some more blood, and let it run free

The older I get it seems, the more wishing takes the place of dreams

If Witch-King were Gandalf, we'd all be drowned in the sea

.

If Witch-King were Gandalf, I know where I'd be

Gasping for breath in the dark rolling sea

And if my net's empty when it comes back to shore

If Witch-King were Gandalf, we'd all be drowned in the sea

.

I wish he were here again, at beating us up again

It's been a long time since his staff swung at me

But I'm wasting my precious days wishing my life away

If Witch-King were Gandalf, we'd all be drowned in the sea

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**

 **(1): "but I'm" is sung in the pause between the second and third lines**

 **(2): The original line is "Sour and off key". This is supposed to be desirable for the Nazgul, so sweet and on-key singing is excruciating to them.**


	14. Amazing Mace

**Amazing Mace (Amazing Grace)**

Amazing mace! How sweet the sound!

Of smashing skulls with glee!

I once was lacking skulls to pound,

But now there are many.

.

'tis mace that teaches hearts to fear,

And mace my fears relieves;

It turned my face into a lear

The hour I first believed.

.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come.

'Tis mace that brought me safe thus far,

And mace will lead me home!

.

The Ring, it is quite good to me,

It's gold my life secures;

It makes my shield and portion be,

As long as it endures.

.

Yes, ne'er this flesh and heart will fail,

Immortal life shan't cease,

My arrows shall rain down like hail

And all good things shall cease.

.

The Earth shall soon dissolve like snow,

The sun forbear to shine,

And all that wanders here below

Shall be forever mine!

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


	15. Wild Mountain Dwarves

**Wild Mountain Dwarves (Wild Mountain Thyme / Will Ye Go, Lassie, Go)**

Oh the summer time is coming

And the trees are sweetly blooming

And the wild mountain dwarves

Run around the Misty Mountains

.

Will ye go, lassie, go

And we'll all go together

To kill wild mountain dwarves

All around the Misty Mountains

Will ye go, lassie, go

.

I will build my love a tower

Near yon pure crystal fountain

And on it I will pile

All the dead dwarves on the mountain

.

Will ye go, lassie, go

And we'll all go together

To kill wild mountain dwarves

All around the Misty Mountains

Will ye go, lassie, go

.

I will range through the wild

And the deep caverns dreary

And return with the spoils

To the bower of my dearie

.

Will ye go, lassie, go

And we'll all go together

To kill wild mountain dwarves

All around the Misty Mountains

Will ye go, lassie, go

.

If my true love, she were gone

I would surely find another

To kill wild mountain dwarves

All around the misty mountains

.

Will ye go, lassie, go

And we'll all go together

To kill wild mountain dwarves

All around the Misty Mountains

Will ye go, lassie, go

And we'll all go together

To kill wild mountain dwarves

All around the Misty Mountains

Will ye go, lassie, go

 **Please review and feel free to suggest songs!**


End file.
